Nightmares and dreams

just before Vega was diagnosed i had this weird dream, thinking in it that she had leukemia. i knew nothing about leukemia then and i don’t know why i had this dream but it left me with such a horrible sense of gloom. maybe it was motherly intuition. after the dream i googled symptoms of leukemia, Vega did present with some (as any child with a cold would too), but by far not with many. the night Vega was diagnosed, at the a&e of kings college hospital, nobody was telling me anything. but when they started to ask me those particular questions about bruising, weight loss and when they checked her for an enlarged spleen i knew what they suspected and i knew what they would tell me, eventually, six hours later. it was horrible. they first few days in hospital were dreadful, Vega battled hard with leukemia, the shock of her first surgery and general anasthetic, the many many attempts to draw bloods and the induction into chemotherapy. she was very poorly for a few nights and all i could do was be next to her bed and watch. and think that i had another premonition. i thought she will die. i imagined myself telling people she died. while everyone around me told me to be positive, i could not. i could not shake off the thought of the worst. i was ashamed and angry that i could not. i lay next to her in her bed, her heart raging and i said over and over ‘you are getting better, all will be fine, you are strong’ but in my head i just kept thinking she will die. i never said this to ray but he knew what was going on every time the tears started to come again, and i knew he was angry with me for it. i think he thought i was giving up. and i was shit scared. i thought since i knew before diagnosis what Vega had, i might also know the outcome of this. and even if i told myself over and over that that was a load of bollocks i couldn’t stop my mind wandering off in this dark dark corner. i now think of it like when you are on a diet and you will not allow yourself to eat any chocolate, but from the moment you make that decision all you can think of is chocolate.

well Vega did get better.

today Vega started walking a little bit. cruising along the furniture, holding on to the walls as she walks like a little crab. she has barely walked since diagnosis, but for the last four weeks she has not even been able to stand. so from pretty much nothing to cruising is amazing! she has been offered a place at the school nursery of Lyra’s primary school and today- for the first time since diagnosis, brought on no doubt by her crabby walking and the nursery offer- i imagined her in the future. i imagined her walking around in that little blue and green uniform, with a funky little short crop hair cut, running along the street even. and i actually believed that this is what our future looks like. the worries of a future without her banished from my weird clairvoyant mind.

i can not tell you how good that makes me feel tonight.

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10 thoughts on “Nightmares and dreams

  1. There will be so many people running the London Marathon this Sunday and raising money to support children like Vega. Just imagine her doing the same in the future to repay the favour. It’s gonna happen!

  2. xxxxxxx I imagine that if I were in your shoes I would have felt the same. May Vega show us all how it’s done, to triumph, to heal, to run and jump in life, to live without the shadow of “what if” xxxxxxx

  3. Kathi your sharing is simply humbling – as awful as those images and thoughts are – they are so real and i think necessary. i suppose you know i will have gone through the same for myself, and in the dark times i knew only one thing, that I had to let myself ‘feel’. and as you describe new images came and usually when i least expected and Vega will show you. I remember a good friend of mine once answering a student who asked ‘what do i do when i am frightened?’ and she simply said, ‘don’t be frightened to be be frightened!’

    Like so many of your friends i wish you didn’t have to go through this, but since you are going through this, your journey already speaks to so many and Vega is a shining, gleaming flower. i love her crabby walk!!!!! i will take her feet around my house as i do my ‘floppy’ foot and walk from one bit of furniture to the other. and i can see her in her little uniform, inspiring and touching the hearts of so many. i look forward to sitting with you both sometime – preferably on the floor with toys, dolls and her lovely beads! maybe she and i can practice feet dancing!!

    with love as always xxxxxxxxxxx

  4. YAY! I am so pleased to read that hon.
    Never feel bad for how you felt – I would have been completely the same in your situation. It’s very easy to stay positive when you are somewhat removed from all that is happening on a minute by minute basis…much harder when you are in it and living it, and I think you are the strongest, most real, most wonderful person I’ve met in a long long time and are dealing with all of this with such courage and humility.

    That girl of yours is such a fighter, she amazes me with her courage and her zest for playing come what may…and most of that is down to you and the amazing comfort and support you provide for her hon. Feel very very proud.

    lots and lots of love as always…x

  5. Habe gerade euren film gesehen in dem vega wieder laeuft. Jetzt habe ich doppelten grund zur freude. Der bvb ist gerade deutscher meister geworden und viel schoener, vega laeuft!
    Ihr koennt euch sicherlich vorstellen, dass eine solche nachricht meine gedanken, die staendig bei euch sind, beruhigen. Viel, viel glueck fuer die kommende zeit.
    Kp

  6. sleep well then, you deserve it. It looks like you managed to unload yourself with a huuuge burden.It does not matter what people say, until you switch and believe it yourself. Pleased to hear this moment has come for you, such a relieve!!!

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