Vega is still afebrile (fever free). I am not making any hopeful comments about this quite yet, but the atmosphere here in our little iso room feels positively upbeat.
That is a real relief because I have been worried these last few days and as worry goes you only really feel the extend of it when it eases. My body in particular feels and looks tired as the sleepless nights, hospital air condition and microwaved junk food take its toll. It really is time to go home.
Last night I got a text from Ray, saying that Alys is waking up often and is crying. He thought she had a fever, but the thermometer was here with me in the hospital so there was no way of knowing. I don’t really know why he texted me because there was obviously nothing I could do but I guess it is just like me blogging to all of you here. So many of you have commented on my blog, often saying that you can’t imagine what we are going through or even shared something that has worried you in the past or now, may it be health related or not. It made me think that really there is no measurement for worry and I think that all of you know exactly what we are going through. Not the particulars of cancer treatment or hospital admissions maybe. But the stress, the anxiety, that lump in your throat that you just can’t swallow, the cloud over your head that makes it hard to think of anything else. You have all felt like that at some point in your life. That is why you respond to my blog. You all know exactly how it feels and your comments are reaching out to me with that understanding. I worry about Vega, obviously, but I realised last night that I worry equally much about Alys who is at home and I am not with her. When I worry, I do so fully and not in measures, just like I would love someone fully. Because loving someone just a little bit, what’s the use of that?
Tonight I am here with Vega again and Ray is at home with Alys who has indeed got a fever now and is a bit poorly. Ray can not miss work tomorrow and Alys has a long day of being babysitted ahead. I feel terrible about abandoning my ill baby. Ok I know it is not abandonment per se but I just can’t split myself in two. And this time it is Alys who is missing out.
Ill health, or cancer in this family’s case, is taking things on so many levels. Nibbling, eating, chomping, ripping away on our family life, stealing time, money, and often sanity. The loss of control extends far beyond handing over my sedated three year old for a ct scan. I sometimes feel like I am being robbed of a “normal” life, for me and my children.
So tonight I am here with Vega who is better, and I am away from Alys who is ill. It never ends. Did I say it is time to go home yet?