And so we go on

we are home. finally, after 13 nights in hospital. Vega is feeling great! she told me yesterday morning in hospital that she will jump up and down when we get home. and she did. everyone is happy that we are all back together. Alys still runs fevers but before my panic rises i have to remind myself that fevers are pretty normal for anyone not on chemo and then i get some calpol for her and relax a little. at least i am here now so i can look after her. i was worried that Vega picked up some bad eating habits in hospital (she ate pretty much nothing but crisps and occasionally a spoonful of yogurt) but she ate with great appetite yesterday so i guess all the crisps were all about not actually starving as the food at kings is, well atrocious.

we are now on a week off, because Vega’s counts were not yet good enough to start the next block of chemo. it all begins again next monday. but as we spent our supposedly two weeks off in hospital we are relishing this week now, even if it means the overall treatment will be one week longer. and just in time it seems the sun has decided to hang around for a bit. so counts are going up, sun is out and we are all good and happy.

i spoke with a friend today, about optimism. she mentioned a friend of hers who is going through a difficult time and seems to find it hard to deal with this. my friend asked me where i get my optimism from. she said that i always smile when she sees me. i didn’t realize i do but it felt like a compliment. i think in the past i used to describe myself as an optimist, whereas i would describe Ray as a pessimist and i always said that this makes us a good team. it also means that when the whole teamworking thing is not working out we lock horns over the ‘ism issues.

anyway. talking about optimism made me think. i think my blog does not necessarily scream optimism, does it? i think i do dump a lot of my worries on here and maybe that is the reason that i then go out of the house smiling the next day. i do feel like an optimist at heart, and generally positive thoughts and feelings outweigh the negative ones by far. but i do not like to talk to people about how i am actually feeling, the reason for this i don’t know. maybe it is me not wanting to see their reactions because it would remind me how bad it all is. or maybe i just don’t want to cry in front of people. i have always found it easier to pretend all is well, rather than let people see what is really going on. i believe that my optimism about this particular situation, Vega’s cancer, comes from a few things-

– i don’t think you can kill a positive disposition. i was like this before and it will not change

– as bad as this sounds but i find comfort in knowing that it could be so much worse, we could have had a worse diagnosis. Vega does not have a tumor, she didn’t need major surgery and she does not need radiation

– i lie. i lie to myself and, sorry folks, to you. i tell myself it is all fine, we are dealing with it and whenever someone asks how Vega is, i usually say, fine. or at least ok. it is too crap to go into all of it and get upset like 10 times a day

– we have no choice. it happened now we deal with it

– i take my lead from Vega. she really doesn’t dwell on bad things. she just told me the other day in the hospital, while i was holding a sickbowl for her and she was being hooked up to yet another bag of blood, that she wants to grow her hair like Rapunzel. and that Lyra will want to have hair like her too because it will be so beautiful. she doesn’t just have courage she also is highly optimistic

– i have amazing family and friends and this whole situation has brought me closer to them and my appreciation is never seizing. (i have just found out, this very minute that a dear friend of ours has arranged tickets for shrek this weekend through his work- and damn we are so going this weekend!)

this morning i said to my friend “the sun is shining, two beautiful and happy children are in the buggy, i am having a walk in london, the place i like and i am feeling well”. how can you not be optimistic then, even if just for that moment?

so this week i will enjoy the good life, with my children and Ray. no blood counts, ports, chemos or side effects.

and if you see me smiling anywhere this week, i promise it is because i truly feel like smiling.

5 thoughts on “And so we go on

  1. Yay! to your sunshiny happy week – soak it all up! And Yay! to your optimism too! Just remember it is also ok, when you are not feeling smiley or optimistic and are asked how you are, not to lie and to say ‘i’m feeling shit, lets have a cuppa and a moan’ we’re always here for you – happy or sad and if you ever feel like offloading in the flash then bring it on…I’ve got a cupboard full of tea and coffee…and something stronger should we need it! ;o) x x x x x x x x x x x


  2. Du bist ein Spitzenoptimist und das hat nichts damit zu tun, dass du auch Sorgen hast und diese auch hier loswerden möchtest. Denn auch ein “Hardliner” bei den Optimisten hat schwere Zeiten, wenn man alles durch die rosa Brille sehen würde, hätte man doch ein ernsthaftes Realitätsproblem… und so kann man sich wenigstens auch wieder auf die schönen Dinge freuen und diese auch in vollen Zügen genießen. Mach das!!!


  3. Am so so so happy you are home and jumping (on the inside) at the thought of you going to see Shrek!! way to go that friend!

    I have to always smile and cry at what you write – your questions always echo the ones that roll around in my head ( i actually started to write a few headings down as people keep telling me to write and i never knew what a blog was till you started this one! so thanks for this wonderful place with which you share so honestly) it’s weird for others sometimes to see smiles and i get the same comments and like you feel that it is part of my essence (was called smiler as a kid) I came to a place though where i didn’t feel positive or negative made sense – just being real – and that meant sometimes falling about in laughter and others sobbing uncontrollably (just to add another ‘ism’ for you n ray to debate).

    two and a half years later i still dont tell everyone everything, but have a handful of people to whom i do – that just let me talk n be and not try n fix, qualify or cheer me up etc – that let the nonsensical aspect of it all be between us and I SO value that. I love that you follow Vega so intuitively – by the way please ask her if there is any Rapunzel hair left for me please – just not loving the afro look.

    Wishing you a week of sun, jumping, singing and magic – hugs xxxxxxx


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