I am writing to say that I am sorry. I know that you are angry with me tonight, blaming me for what is happening to you at the moment. We had to come into hospital again, last Wednesday because you had a fever and your mouth was so sore you couldn’t eat. Escalating capizzi has finally, maybe inevitably caught up with us. I realise that this all comes as quite of a shock, the last weeks having been kind in terms of hospital appointments and procedures.
I too feel shocked. I have not seen you in as much pain and it is very hard to watch. I am trying to make the right decisions for you and I know that you do not always agree. Today I gave my consent to have you fitted with a NG tube. Your eating has become less and less in the last few weeks and you had not eaten since Tuesday. You were weak and hungry but due to the sores in your mouth and throat you couldn’t eat.
I had to make the decision to let them force feed you through a straw in your nose.
I really couldn’t see any other option and I believe you would have starved if I had not made this decision. I am also angry with you and have called you a stupid, silly child in my head more than once during these last couple of days. You are so stubborn!
If only you would have drank those stupid nutritional shakes, if only you wouldn’t refuse any medication that might soothe your pain. Why can’t you understand that you are making everything so much harder for yourself? We have fought over everything in the last few hours and I loathe your commitment to fighting me and the nurses off as much as I admire it. You sure have some spirit.
I know that it is this spirit that will see you get through all of this, so I take comfort from that when you kick me in the face the next time I am trying to put some Vaseline on your lips.
Tonight I am so sad and angry about the unfairness of all this I ache inside. I feel so responsible for all your suffering, a suffering that is entirely man made, me signing consent forms, yes give her chemo, yes escalate the dose. Your little body is being put through so much and I want to say that I would take all of this upon me- and more- if only I could spare you from having to do this.
Right now, I am watching you sleep and you look calm. You are being fed through that tube and I am hoping the food in your tummy will give your body new strength tomorrow. I think we are over the worst of this. We have reached the peek of shittyness and from now on it can only get better.
I am trying to decide how to end this letter. Without sounding too sad, or too weak. You are strong and beautiful and a real pain in the arse! I think I know where it is all coming from…
Because after all I am your mother.