It is indeed 2013. I have been thinking about some meaningful New Years blog post, but I couldn’t bring myself to write. To be honest the fact that it is a new year has left me feeling rather depressed. I feel no excitement about this year, have no hopes that things will change. This might have been brought on by spending New Year’s Eve at the Marsden, and having not been there for quite a few weeks, it was nothing but a stark reminder what still lies ahead.
The meeting with our consultant was nothing special, Vega is progressing with the treatment as expected. Her feet have been bad since the middle of December and on the best days she is limping precariously while on the worst days she crawls and asks to be carried. Our consultant at the Marsden has not much to say about this, but I have asked about more, and most importantly, regular Physio input. Orthopaedics might also have to be involved, but for now Vega’s dose of Vincristine, the most likely culprit for the foot problems, will not be reduced. If her walking and mobility issues will not improve in the future a reduction in dose might be discussed. As always, the risks have to be weight out against the benefits, and that is not an easy decision to be made. Chemotherapy is very rarely reduced.
And so our year 2012 ended at the Marsden and began with steroids and today saw us arriving at Kings- Vega has a temperature. We waited for hours to be allocated a room, and for once Vega actually was rather poorly. Her fever just went up and up, so high at one point that my thermometer could not read it anymore, totally off the chart. Paracetamol worked slowly and once we managed to get the temperature down, Vega was chatty and perky. Tonight she spiked a fever again, and just in line with my rather pessimistic mood I have a feeling we will not make an escape in two or three days this time.
What else can I say. 2013. Vega’s treatment will go on. More chemo, more bloods, more hospital stays. Nothing much will change.
I have made some very vague New Year’s resolutions. To keep up the spirits. All positive:
Be kinder, especially to the children.
Be calmer and find a way to deal with the stress.
Breathe deeper, laugh more.
Accept help from others and help whenever I can too.
Nurture my relationship with Ray.
And above all, most importantly-
Believe that things will get better. (But this is so hard, so very very hard)