Almost a month has past since my last blog entry. I think I had to digest the cancerversary.
I have busied myself with various projects- dyeing my hair, cutting a fringe, clearing out the wardrobe, getting rid of stuff. I am planning to redecorate the livingroom- this is something that should have happened a long time ago but never did, for financial or other reasons. Money is still tight but that gives me only more reason to do a bit of diy-ing. I am plotting and planning, researching and in general preoccupying myself. Poor Ray is probably going to lose his marbles if I do not start to shut up about paint, plaster and shelves.But I might just have to take that risk, because for the first time in quite a long time do I actually feel like not losing my own marbles. These little projects have given me a purpose and something to do rather than merely being my children’s PA and shipping Vega from one hospital appointment to the next. Somehow, the act of renewal (hair/wardrobe/grotty livingroom wall) has energized me. I have felt pretty empty and tired most of last year. When I was not feeling empty I felt full of worry, which is even less desirable. Scrubbing off the mould from my wall was like scrubbing my soul clean from the worry. As if cleaning up my flat could clean up my life.
I am surely soon to hit the bottom of reality again, as this week will be steroid week, but maybe, just maybe a bit of hard graft, wallpaper stripping and dreaming of beautiful shelves will carry me along a little further. And otherwise there is always the smell of paint to cloud ones mind.