Holding

I know it has been a while. I have received quite a few messages these last few days, people asking if we are ok, how Vega is doing.
I am aware of the responsibility I have, as author of this blog, to keep you informed. I am sorry to keep you all wondering how we are.

The lack of posts is not due to anything in particular. Vega is well and she has now had no hospital admissions since January. Maintenance continues with the same monotonous schlog. It has all become almost comfortable, we are so used to it now. Maybe that is why I haven’t felt like writing for a while- cancer has taken a much minor role in our day to day life. We are used to the medication routine, the occasional hospital visits and weekly blood tests. “It’s fine, she’s fine” is my response to anyone who asks. I have become used to the stress, emotional as well as physical, that is associated with Vega’s condition. Is that even possible?
I often imagine myself as a vessel which holds Vega. I hold her, her illness, I hold the management of her day to day treatment, I hold the tantrums and the pain too, which have become as much part of our routine as getting up in the morning to have breakfast. I hold good things too, the joy of hair or riding a bike or being able to write her own name.

At the beginning of May we went to Disneyland Paris for three days. Vega was granted a wish by Kids Cancer Charity who organised our trip to France for us. It is a huge credit to Vega’s health that we were able to go, last year this would plainly not have been possible. Vega had a special badge that gave her VIP treatment all over the park. I hadn’t seen Vega so happy in a long time. I was reminded of the little girl she was before she got poorly- saw glimpses of that carefree child she once was for the first time since she was diagnosed. We all had a great time, I dare say we felt almost normal for a few days. I am so very humbled by the generosity of the charity, to make this family break happen for us.

And so, as I think of myself as a vessel to hold Vega, to create a space for her to heal, I also find myself being held. By my family, friends, occasionally nurses or doctors, and even by a charity who strives to give families like us some respite. And maybe that is why I can call the current moment comfortable. And I really feel like we are all going to be fine.

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