BANG! Deja Vu

It is Bonfire night here in the UK and I have just returned from watching the fireworks with the girls. While I was at the park I had a strong sense of Deja vu, watching the sparkly lights raining down, I got quite emotional, being there with my children, seeing their faces light up. I suddenly felt again like I did last year in the same spot. This acute sense of memories being created, of gratefulness that I have them, that Vega in particular is there. That my love runs so deep and that it would break me to lose one of them. I remember standing there last year wondering how many bonfire nights I would have with Vega, wishing on the sparkling stars that the number would be infinite.

Just as Vega was last year on this day, she is on steroids again, and just like last year she is altogether not well. It is always during this week of her treatment that I become sad and emotional. She is suffering, I can see that, and even though we know it will pass it is hard to witness. It is always during this week that it is the hardest to hold on to hope, and even gaining the perspective on treatment going well is difficult.

Vega has many health issues at the moment, all minor by themselves, but together they amount to an overwhelming wave of worries. There is nothing I can do though, except trying to be calm and deal with one thing at a time.

Next year bonfire night will be different. Vega is not going to be on steroids. Vega will be finished with her treatment. I am looking forward to making that memory.

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3 thoughts on “BANG! Deja Vu

  1. here’s to that time – it will arrive. I remember having a ‘mantra’ during the thick of treatment of ‘there will be a time when there are no drugs’ I hold onto that hope with you, for you and despite the ravages of chemo n steroids. Wishing you sparkles of strength and wellness and sending you all love
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  2. I hope Vega recovers soon from these minor health issue, but verall, looking forward to next year Bonfire night! We send you all lots of love! x ari et familie

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