Whenever Vega is in hospital I read a lot. I have a Kindle which allows me to take plenty of books without having to carry their weight. Vega often sleeps or plays on the iPad, or watches TV and so I find myself breezing through book after book.
Upon our admission last week I was reading World War Z, this was followed by Me talk pretty one Day and today I have started Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
I am not very far in but I am finding the read slightly awkward and engrossing at the same time. The genius of the book surely lies in the unlimited applications and that it really is not about motorcycles or Zen in particular. I am finding myself pondering dimensions and reality, truth and being. The endless roads the narrator is travelling on are not so unlike the road I am finding myself on. Views change, from awe inspiring and mind clearing to overcast and rained on.
All of it depends greatly on perspective, and even more on the awareness that there is more than one perspective to choose from. I find that thought somewhat disturbing; it takes from me the position of the victim in all this. I think we all find comfort in “our” own truths, even if they don’t sit comfortable with us, but they are ours regardless, having been accepted for one reason or another.
But it also feels illuminating to look at people around me, just looking and seeing what it is they are, without my truth creating a character for them. It is like a game I played today to pass the time. It has been helpful and I have felt less anxious. The cogs in this machine, the hospital, the treatment, the reality of it is much bigger than my ability to control it. The timing of chemos and health of Vega’s body, my beliefs of what is good and what is bad is just one dimension of all this.
I am not going all zen on you- the bit that struck me most, after all was this- “I’m not sure of what it all means yet… I’m not sure of much of anything these days. Maybe that’s why I talk so much.”