Today- The ticker on my blog is counting down in hours now- 3 hours left. Vega’s blood results from this morning were all good, her platelets were above 300, and she is cleared for tomorrow’s general anaesthetic, lumbar puncture and bone marrow aspiration.
I have been playing out tomorrow in my head so many times over the last few weeks, and never more than today. Maybe I am watching too many American dramas, but in my many alternative endings, I often end up in relieved kind of tears- on my own in the car, with Beccy when I pick up the kids, in Ray’s arms in the evening. In my very British reality, I will probably leave the hospital composed and somewhat disappointed with an incredible anti climax.
I have postponed so many things until the day after tomorrow. Booking flights to Germany, maybe a party for Vega, anything that requires any degree of planning and/or commitment. Why, I am not sure. Nothing could happen tomorrow that would affect any of my decisions. The fact that tomorrow is Vega’s last chemo does nothing in reassuring me that our future is now- well what?- safer? happier? cancer free?
It is almost as if I am standing by the edge of a void and I know tomorrow I will have to take the plunge. It is kind of exciting after staring into it, wondering what is at the bottom of it for so long, but also oh so scary. I might just fall and smash. Or maybe, and this is probably the weirdest thing of all, it could all be the same as today.