Let it go

Well if you were expecting a Frozen blog post now, I am sorry to disappoint. This has nothing to do with the popular Disney film, although I imagine this title will make my stats for Google hits soar.

If you are a regular reader you will remember my countdown as we approached the end of treatment last May. The ending was nothing spectacular, but a huge relief.

I now realize that we have had many more little endings since, and on Saturday we received a letter marking the end of Vega’s Disability Living Allowance. We were granted DLA when Vega was first diagnosed, with an entitlement till April of this year. I have contacted the relevant departments a few times over the last few months, to inform them of changes and about Vega’s remission. Hence this letter on Saturday was hardly a surprise. Our payments have been stopped and we are due to hand back our blue badge this week.

Although all this was expected, I was taken aback by the abruptness of this ending. This post has nothing to do with money, or entitlement. It is about endings and letting go of things even though I do not feel ready to do so yet. The DLA, the open access to our hospital, the return to regular GP care, the end of community care.

The message is clear. Vega is well. You are normal. Everything is normal. Go back to normal.

However, I remain needy. Just like the time of diagnosis, things are happening fast and the learning curve is steep. Isn’t it curious how we find comfort in familiarity? How I could feel “save” with a child with cancer, and now I feel lost because she is well? Change, even for the better, can be daunting.

You are just going back to how you were before, I hear you say. Well I told myself the same thing. But truly, we are not. As easy it is for the government to give us a cheery wave this week, it is not like the last three years have never happened. I am not sure what I want- maybe I would need a more encouraging approach of letting go rather than the here-is-the-cliff-jump approach. I want to let it go. I want to move on.

But I am repeatedly finding myself asking- how, exactly, do I do that?