Last Saturday marked three years since Vega’s diagnosis.
I am not sure I ought to call it the “3rd Cancerversary” because Vega is now cancer free and off treatment. But the date is important and was life changing, three years ago. I think this date will always remain our Cancerversary, maybe we will have to add a special date for off treatment/remission/cancer free, too, which will be coming up in May.
Vega got ill after my last post, on Winter Solstice. She had a virus, we presume. Headaches, nosebleeds, fever, tiredness and tummy aches and for the entire week that Vega was ill, I was a mess. I was so terribly worried, these particular symptoms freaking me out. It was Christmas and also Vega’s birthday and she was just unwell and slept a lot. I was sure she was relapsing. I cried a lot, was scared and sad. For her, and for the other kids. Vega’s recovery since coming of treatment has been very obvious- everyone comments on it often, how she looks more and more like she did before she got ill. But being faced with this fear of relapse I looked at my other two girls and seeing their recoveries too, more subtle than Vega’s for sure, but yet so big for them. The fear of losing all that again, of falling back into that massive black hole that cancer is, was unimaginable.
Vega was checked over in hospital and was fine. Bloods were fine. A virus. I realised how much anxiety I have stored away, how much I busy myself from day to day to not having to think about the possibility of a relapse, how damaged my body and spirit are by the experience of the last three years. It was frightening, these demons revealing themselves to me, and my lack of strength facing them. I have a long way to go on this path of recovery and maybe this is one reason why dates, anniversaries, tracking time seem important.
I have written photo blogs for the 1st and 2nd cancerversaries, and here I am again, looking through all the pictures I have taken over the last year. Much has changed and even when I talk a lot about my worries, I noticed how many pictures I have of the girls smiling.
Our last treatment day at the Marsden was a major anticlimax!
And so it goes.
I am hoping to collect many more smiling pictures this year.