3rd Cancerversary

 

 

Last Saturday marked three years since Vega’s diagnosis.

I am not sure I ought to call it the “3rd Cancerversary” because Vega is now cancer free and off treatment. But the date is important and was life changing, three years ago. I think this date will always remain our Cancerversary, maybe we will have to add a special date for off treatment/remission/cancer free, too, which will be coming up in May.

Vega got ill after my last post, on Winter Solstice. She had a virus, we presume. Headaches, nosebleeds, fever, tiredness and tummy aches and for the entire week that Vega was ill, I was a mess. I was so terribly worried, these particular symptoms freaking me out. It was Christmas and also Vega’s birthday and she was just unwell and slept a lot. I was sure she was relapsing. I cried a lot, was scared and sad. For her, and for the other kids. Vega’s recovery since coming of treatment has been very obvious- everyone comments on it often, how she looks more and more like she did before she got ill. But being faced with this fear of relapse I looked at my other two girls and seeing their recoveries too, more subtle than Vega’s for sure, but yet so big for them. The fear of losing all that again, of falling back into that massive black hole that cancer is, was unimaginable.

Vega was checked over in hospital and was fine. Bloods were fine. A virus. I realised how much anxiety I have stored away, how much I busy myself from day to day to not having to think about the possibility of a relapse, how damaged my body and spirit are by the experience of the last three years. It was frightening, these demons revealing themselves to me, and my lack of strength facing them. I have a long way to go on this path of recovery and maybe this is one reason why dates, anniversaries, tracking time seem important.

I have written photo blogs for the 1st and 2nd cancerversaries, and here I am again, looking through all the pictures I have taken over the last year. Much has changed and even when I talk a lot about my worries, I noticed how many pictures I have of the girls smiling.

Our second holiday at the Malcom Sargent House in Scotland, early 2014.

Our second holiday at the Malcom Sargent House in Scotland, early 2014.

Towards the end of treatment, many things started to go wrong. Vega got weaker and weaker and she was in need of blood almost as much as in the beginning of her chemotherapy.

Towards the end of treatment, many things started to go wrong. Vega got weaker and weaker and she was in need of blood almost as much as in the beginning of her chemotherapy.

Our last treatment day at the Marsden was a major anticlimax!

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Ray's Scotland Adventure

Ray’s Scotland Adventure. With your help Ray has raised almost £4000 for Children with Cancer UK.

Legs that are great for climbing!

Legs that are great for climbing!

Oh hair!

Oh hair!

Some days I look at this picture and I feel like all this has happened to someone else. We still did our time in 2014.

Some days I look at this picture and I feel like all this has happened to someone else. We still did our time in 2014.

The purple heart signifies the end of treatment.

The purple heart signifies the end of treatment.

Last access before removal of portacath

Wiggly lived under Vega's skin for more than 2 1/2 years. Now the button is gone.

Wiggly lived under Vega’s skin for more than 2 1/2 years. Now the button is gone.

Smiles

Look how tall Vega is!

Look how tall Vega is!

We still have days like this, alas not so often anymore. Bloods now always through a peripheral line.

We still have days like this, alas not so often anymore. Bloods now always through a peripheral line.

Vega took this of herself, I found it later on my phone. Somehow I feel she has captured herself perfectly.

Vega took this of herself, I found it later on my phone. Somehow I feel she has captured herself perfectly.

And so it goes.

I am hoping to collect many more smiling pictures this year.

 

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One thought on “3rd Cancerversary

  1. sifting the debris – my god i so know those worries and moments – the scars – but WOW the photos!!!! She has got so so tall. the purple heart one just makes me cry.
    you are all an inspiration.

    hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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