Readers beware- I am feeling blue…

I am double blogging again. I have no one to talk to tonight in our little cell and I am upset. I tried to speak to Ray on the phone but he is just as frustrated as I am and it is not helpful. After I blogged earlier the doctor came in to give me an “update”. They had decided to start Vega on the anti C diff antibiotic, the nurse was already standing behind her with the meds in her hand. They did not want to wait for the result of the second sample. The microbiologist had apparently said that it is unlikely the second sample will come back negative and it would be foolish to wait. I really stood my ground (I think..) saying that I am inclined to decline and wait for the sample to come back positive before I agree for yet another antibiotic to be started, seeing that Vega is entirely asymptomatic for C diff. I had to listen to both the nurse and the doctor to lay into me quite heavily about everything from infection control to “it’s going to happen anyway”.
They were nice, don’t get me wrong. But niceness is the worst kind of bullying.
I asked them to give me a few minutes to think about it. Mainly because I needed to cry (again..). This is what I hate the hospital for. The feeling of losing control, of everything escaping my grasp, the trigger happy medication process. The microbiologist says to give the antibiotics, why not? What he/she doesn’t know in their little lab is that Vega had three different antibiotics for the last two days, two chemotherapy drugs and even a shit load of heparin flushes for her central line. She is barely eating again (hospital food as well as no appetite). I asked about side effects but these were easily brushed aside in favour for explaining me the effects of having C diff while being so extremely neutropenic. I googled Metronidazole, which is the antibiotic of choice, and of course there are side effects, vomiting and diarrhoea for one, and of course neutropenia. All the antibiotics that Vega is receiving while in hospital cause neutropenia. Just like her chemotherapy drugs. And low neutrophil counts mean more likelihood of febrile neutropenia, meaning more antibiotics, meaning more time till the counts recover and the febrile neutropenia stops. We are running in circles.

The real worry of course is that Vega actually does have C diff. If she does I am thankful that it is asymptomatic, but it would still mean we might have a lengthy hospital stay ahead of us. We are talking 10-14 days. I can’t even write that without welling up again. In moments like this I have an ache in my chest. This feeling that nothing will ever be normal again. It’s not the days in hospital, but the fact that my beautiful little girl is three years old and has already had so many antibiotics that her body is susceptible to contract an illness like C diff. That she is being so bombarded with all this stuff and that it seems as if no one ever thinks twice about it here in the hospital. I only imagine a homeopath or naturopath and what impact even one single antibiotic can have on the balance of the body from a holistic point of view. So every time the doctors come to me with another medication I feel like I am consenting to Vega being destroyed from the inside out. And I am her mother. I should be able and allowed to protect her.

So what did I do, I hear you ask. I cried my cry and called the nurse to give Vega the new antibiotic. I called Ray a while after and he was angry with me. Not only am I battling with my own conscience but I have to justify a choice I am entirely not sure about to him. I hung up on him. I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t deal with it. Now I am blogging to you all because I am sad and have no one to talk to. I would only cry anyway.

I guess I could go on the entire night. While I am watching bag after bag of antibiotics dripping into Vega, here I am in a sleepless vacuum of sadness and guilt. My plan is to keep asking for the result of the second poo sample every time Vega’s medication is due. If the sample comes back negative it will be stopped. If it is positive we will be 12 hours ahead of the game. Or maybe 24 hours as it is the weekend and microbiology doesn’t work that fast on a Sunday. Wtf! See why this is so f***ed up? Because it is a Sunday a little girl potentially has to have more doses of this antibiotic (I was going to swear again..) and no one blinks an eye. And what can I do? What should I have done? I really wish that I would have someone here with me all the time, a mixture between my mum and a very knowledgable holistic oncologist, without any agenda, with great empathy and who is only entirely and absolutely interested in Vega’s interests.
But I guess I will have to do.